Pat

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Name:
Pat
Location:
Ottawa Valley, ON
Birthday:
04/21/1950
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Fashion & Style > Thanks to You . . .
 

Thanks to You . . .





As we are progressing towards the end of 2012, I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..


And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way... A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..




NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY . . . xxx


posted on Sept 17, 2012 1:35 PM ()

Comments:

That was fun! Made my day!
comment by maggiemae on Sept 27, 2012 9:54 PM ()
I loved it and needed it right now.
comment by elderjane on Sept 20, 2012 4:52 PM ()
I lit a candle for you this evening with the intentions of good health, happiness & much love xxx
reply by blogsterella on Sept 20, 2012 6:27 PM ()
Seen it before but it's still funny.
comment by nittineedles on Sept 19, 2012 11:51 PM ()
The author of this sardonic bit could have been Dr. Sheldon Cooper of "Big Bang Theory"!!! Great!
comment by solitaire on Sept 19, 2012 5:11 AM ()
What a great post! After a long day at work, I needed a good laugh.
comment by gapeach on Sept 18, 2012 4:33 PM ()
Knowing that, you just made my day xxx
reply by blogsterella on Sept 20, 2012 5:02 AM ()
You're so very welcome! I knew I had to share all this for your own good. Hah!
comment by troutbend on Sept 17, 2012 8:11 PM ()
well now.You are full of good news there(kidding)I having a wonderful day there in this beautiful fall weather in New England.They say that the foliage is going to be best this year.
Lovely post there and hope that they get a chuckle out of this.For me.
comment by fredo on Sept 17, 2012 1:52 PM ()
I just cracked myself up!!
comment by blogsterella on Sept 17, 2012 1:38 PM ()

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