My Ex-husband and I were together for nearly 10 years. It has been 11 years since my divorce from him became final. There are now more years divorced between us than married ones together.

It has been 8 years since my ex-husbands 2nd wife came into our lives. Her presence wreaked unspeakable havoc.

My children were not oblivious to what has gone on in all these years. As they have grown, they have come to form their own judgments, surpassing their Stepmom's (and sometimes Father's) emotional age. They see who the common denominator is in all the troubled damaged relationships. It's not me, nor is it the children.

They recognized when one parent’s hate for the other parent is stronger than the love for them. And as sad as that is, this fact allowed them to see the truth behind just "who" some people are.

Naturally, all three of my kids have gravitated to the unconditional love that a parent is supposed to have for their children. When one parent covertly attempts to make the children "choose", the children will choose the one that didn't. Their bond with me is rock solid, strong and deep. Their Father/Stepmother's actions just as much as mine saw to that.

And now... the war, that I never wanted to partake in, appears to be ending with no real clear winners.

It seems as if one by one, everyone has thrown in their personal white towel.

Everyone is tired of fighting. Everyone lost something. Nobody won anything.

There is however, for me, karmic reward for trying my hardest to make all of us ok. For taking the high road nine times out of ten, "it" has come full circle now... and "it" was always about "them" ...

11/2008

Comments:

comment by hayduke on June 2, 2009 9:31 AM ()

Cruella?? LOL priceless. I call mine "Ludacris" cuz her name is in that word ;)
While it is "nice" at the moment and it appears that she has had a meeting with Jesus, I'm not sure there are enough precious years left that the children still live at home to "undo" the damage she has done. Kudos to her for trying, but it may be a case of "too little, too late"
Congrats to you for holding your tongue in the divorce years. You reap what you sow.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:46 AM ()

I was lucky in the years following my divorce. Sure, I was angry, but no animosity occurred. Our four kids remain loyal to both parents. Like I said before, let's hope the volcano in your life doesn't blow.

comment by solitaire on May 31, 2009 6:15 AM ()

Kids (people) have the ability to love many. They should never be made to feel they have to choose. It's ridiculous. You and your ex wife obviously handled the post divorce well. Lucky you indeed. I'm hoping for a permanently dormant volcano... but I'm not an idiot... I'll always be ready to protect should it ever blow again.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:42 AM ()

Marriages may come and go, but parenting is a lifelong responsibility. People who fall down on that job lose something precious. There is never a second chance to raise your kids. There are way too many childish people becoming parents. Always have been.

comment by thestephymore on May 29, 2009 11:28 PM ()

"There is never a second chance to raise your kids"... Right Stephy. The only thing that matters to me is my relationship with my kids/family.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:38 AM ()

Praying for ongoing peace and healing, Terri.

comment by marta on May 29, 2009 9:53 PM ()

that would indeed be nice

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:35 AM ()

My first wife and I get along, always have. Do I think she "fluccked me"? Absolutely, and it hurt my kids too. But I knew it was better for the kids to not cause a problem. Me and her new guy came to "near blows" one time, but both of us(luckily) have the sense to know it's not worth it. They don't cause me problems, I don't them either. We are all "civil" in eachothers presence.

Second wife was a real nutcase. I may say things about her, but that's on a "whim". I really don't have an agenda against her. I say nothing unless something comes up. Yet I know she does have one against me. I have the personality, that I say whatever to anyone.. but with "wife #1" I hold my tongue. Only for my kids sake. I don't give a "flying rats ass" what wife #2 says. Or what I say. I just thank God I never had a kid with her.

comment by coincutter on May 29, 2009 9:03 PM ()

With kids involved, it really does get complicated with an ex. I wish it were easier.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:32 AM ()

comment by imaginaryfriend on May 29, 2009 7:22 PM ()

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:23 AM ()

Nice photo of the family.We have losers and winners.
This is part of life.You make it what it seemed the best for you and the children.In a few years this will pass.

comment by fredo on May 28, 2009 10:24 AM ()

You're so right Fredo. I really try to think about the importance of some of this nonsense in 5 or 10 years when the children are grown when deciding what to react to. I honestly did my best and that's all I can do.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:23 AM ()

There are no winners or losers- except the kids. The absence of malice will be good for them.

comment by dragonflyby on May 28, 2009 9:44 AM ()

Dottie, so true.

reply by shesaidwhat on June 7, 2009 5:21 AM ()

Your kids are just so cute! I am glad that this mierable cycle might be ending...

comment by kristilyn3 on May 28, 2009 6:51 AM ()

Thanks Kristy, it would be nice... and GOOD for everybody all around.

reply by shesaidwhat on May 28, 2009 7:25 AM ()

Well Terri...if in fact 'everyone' has thrown in the white towel..then yes there are winners. The winners are the ones who no longer have the stress of always wondering what 'she' would do next..always wondering how evil 'she' would be..always wondering how 'she' would hurt one of the kids.
Peace is a very good thing...stress...not so good.
So maybe the winners are the stress free ones...I think you know what I mean.

comment by sybilmariee on May 28, 2009 4:46 AM ()

Sybil, I absolutely know what you mean and yes, you are right in the sense that the winners became winners when they simply let go... In my opinion, the children's stepmom has finally thrown in her towel. It appears "over", and in that, the childrens stress and fear of the unpredictable nature of their stepmom has quieted down. Maybe some healing can begin before the kids leave both parents nests.

reply by shesaidwhat on May 28, 2009 5:16 AM ()